Thursday, April 18, 2013

Those Days

It's 9:35 AM and I'm still laying in bed in my snot covered pajamas (I wiped Penny's nose with my sleeve because there wasn't a kleenex within reach...whatevs) feeling totally defeated. The girl had a rough night. She was up multiple times screaming her head off due to either her cold or constipation. As I crept back into bed around 5:45 AM praying that this would be the last time I once again found those doubts creeping in. Satan is good, man. He gets me at the most convenient times. "She's not sleeping because you aren't strict enough about her sleeping schedule. She's going to be a terrible sleeper the rest of her life and it's your fault. You should have done what so and so did, their kids are perfect sleepers. You're a terrible mother for laying in bed and letting her scream for ten minutes hoping she'll fall back asleep." Those thoughts flooded my mind during the next three times I was up with her. 

The poor girl only has me to depend on, to show her love, to have sympathy. And instead of compassion I was angry that she wasn't doing what she was supposed to do. She's supposed to go to bed at 9 PM and wake up maybe once around 5 AM. That's what the books tell us, right? That if we do this and this and this we will have a child who begs to go to sleep at night. Well, books are my enemy sometimes, I'm discovering. 

So as I lay here in the dark watching the snow (seriously!) fall through the crack of the curtain, I'm reminded that even though I fail and even though I struggle with my own selfishness, I have a father who doesn't. Penny has a father who doesn't. God's never too tired to take care of us. He doesn't storm into the kitchen at 3 AM and angrily make a bottle. He lovingly accepts us no matter what state we are in and that blows my mind. Understanding that his love is unconditional and never-changing is so much easier when I see myself fail to show Penny that same love. Oh how thankful I am that I don't have to rely on my own self to show her (and my family in general) that love. 

It's just one of those days. And that's okay. I will take a cat nap, eventually brush my teeth (sorry) and muster up whatever strength I have to show that baby girl that I love her more than a full night of sleep. And I will only succeed by the grace of God.

Signed, a defeated by madly-in-love mother.


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