Be Still, My Soul

The other night was one of those perfect nights.

The sun seemed to linger a little longer, like it was refusing to set. The weather was the perfect temperature where we could open the windows and let the fresh air in. The wind was bringing in scents of lilac and freshly cut grass. We came home from our vacation to our front tree fully in bloom. The green seems much brighter since the winter just wouldn't leave us alone. And the sound of Truman mowing the lawn was the cherry on top. I don't know why, but listening to someone mowing the lawn is incredibly calming to me. Sounds of summer, I suppose.

I wanted to capture every moment that night. 

I didn't want the perfect evening to end. I wanted that fresh, slightly breezy air to flow in forever. I captured a few photos for memory.

Full, bright green tree.

 Leaves consuming our front window.

 Tiny baby feet discovering a chalkboard.

 Fresh air blowing over the record player.

 Golden sun shining through lace curtains.

 Wind blowing through lace curtains.

 The sound of the lawn mower as I read.

 Gorgeous and intoxicating smell of our backyard lilac bush.

Lately we have been staring down the deep, dark tunnel of the future. We been having to discuss (over and over again...) the big, scary grown up questions of finding a new home, growing our family, budgeting differently, etc. There are times where I am completely trusting God, knowing that His plan is perfect and He will provide. There are also times when I still try to hold MY plans with a tight grip and attempt as much control as I can. And not to mention as Penny gets older and feistier I start to worry about if I'll be a good enough parent. It's not a matter of taking care of her and loving on her, I do that just fine, but I'm talking about being a good example of Jesus' love. Teaching her about his grace and living our lives as a family dependent totally on scripture. Discipline included. It's scary as hell. I don't want to screw it up. I know I will, but I'd like to do as little damage as possible. Only by the grace of God, I know, but I just feel so under-prepared sometimes. I'll-equipped, not good enough, not spiritually mature enough. I want that baby girl to love Jesus more than anything. And I want her to see that I love Jesus more than anything (and sometimes I have to honestly, humbly ask myself if that's true).

All of these heavy thoughts can fill my mind and almost suffocate me so I'm trying to make a very intentional effort to delight in the little things. I'm thankful for big questions like these that are approaching us. I'm SO thankful to be in this season of life. It's hard, it's rewarding. I'm also thankful for pretty shadows, perfume-scented trees, and bright green fluttering leaves. Sometimes those are the things that keep me going...

Signed,
A frightened, but oh-so-thankful Jord.

Balance

I'm lying in bed trying to fight off yet another flu bug. This winter has been the worst. Penny and I just seem to be tossing sicknesses back and forth and it is definitely not something I'm used to. I very rarely get sick so being confined to my bed so often this year has been hard for me. 

I have been a mother for 7 months now. I have spent every day trying to study Penny's cues and find the best routine for our family. I have days where I feel like I'm rocking it as a mom and days where I feel like I will never be able to figure it out. Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with trying to find a healthy balance for everything. Because I have been spending the last 7 months totally focused on Penny and her needs, I have lost the priority of taking care of myself and I think I'm finally starting to feel the effects of it. 

Moms, how do we do it all? How do we manage to fit in prayer time, exercising, and personal hygiene before we tackle the ridiculously long to-do list? How do we find time to engage our own hobbies like painting, crafting, or reading a book? How do we utilize those precious few hours of nap time by cleaning or meal planning while also making time to sit down and eat? And where in the heck do we find time to just sit and play with our babies amidst all of that? 

These questions run through my head every day. And I can search and search online until my fingers are numb but I'm not finding the solutions I need. I know that in order to best care for my family I have to make caring for myself a priority. I find myself skipping lunch so I can check off a few more things on my to-do list or forgoing a shower so I can clean the bedroom and start the laundry. Even worse, my quiet time with God has become something that falls to the bottom of my list. If I get everything else done, then maybe I'll have some time for God before bed. 

I know that realistically I have to accept that I won't be able to do it all. And I know very well that my value is not dependent on how clean my house is or how many home cooked meals are on the table each week, but I could use advice on the basics. Finding balance is much harder than I anticipated and if someone has the secret I want in on it!