Needed.

I went in to check on her since she had been quiet for a while. Expecting to find a sleeping baby, I instead found a little girl sitting quietly with her blanket over her head. Not sure how it got there. Not sure why she didn't pull it off (she knows how) or why she didn't cry for help. I gently pulled it off and she reached her arms towards me begging to be picked up. 

Lately she has been wanting to put herself to sleep. My days of rocking her to sleep in my arms are dwindling and even though I thought I would enjoy the extra time to myself I'm having a harder time letting go than I thought. I pulled her into my arms and she nestled into my neck. I thought I would give the ol' cradle a try so I gently swayed and hummed "you are my sunshine" with her long body wrapped around my waist. She didn't protest like usual. Instead she stared quietly at me with only a sliver of light coming from the living room. With each sway her eyelids grew heavy and the all-too familiar memories of her time spent in my arms came rushing back. The sweet relief of a surrendered baby. Comfortably curled in the bend of my arm, her right hand barely holding onto my shirt. She pierced her lips as though she was still sucking on her bottle and I began to cry.

Suddenly that overwhelming gratitude came over me. The kind that you always know is there, but only shows it's face from time to time if you're lucky to let it in. I was so aware in that moment that this was a child of God. She wasn't mine, but she has been entrusted to me. What a high calling that is often overlooked. I began to pray over her in a deeper way than I ever had before. Prayers for inner beauty, a desire to know Christ and follow Him, a fascination with the stories of the Bible, a hunger for the Word. I prayed that she would be blessed with great, godly friendships and that she would fall in love with a man who lived for the Lord. I prayed that she would not fall into the traps of this world, that she wouldn't find value in the fleeting--appearance, possessions, status. That her life would be an example of the humility Christ endured for us.

My little girl will soon be one. She'll be entering a new stage of creativity, awareness, and connection. I'm excited for what's to come and I know that all too soon I'll blink and she'll be entering elementary school. I'll blink again and see her with diploma in hand. And, Lord help me, with another blink she'll be waltzing down the aisle in a gorgeous white dress. And I hope that in those moments, I'll be able to remember the time when all she needed was to be cradled by her mama. I am so blessed by this little life. 

I sat there swaying back and forth, humming a little lighter each time the song started again, with a hand on my growing baby and an arm wrapped around my growing little girl. The light exhale through her nose brushing my face softly. I couldn't bring myself to lay her down. I lightly kissed her lips and felt complete, fulfilling joy.