Two Precious Lines

(Baby bean's first show: She & Him!)

Up to this point, my life is not at all what I expected it to be at age 23. And praise God for that!

As a teenager, I had big plans of leaving Nebraska as soon as I could and I dreamed of being a successful career woman. God had other plans :)

One great love and a baby later I found that my calling (and now one of my biggest passions) is to be a mother and a homemaker. There is nothing more fulfilling than being certain that I'm doing what I was created to do. Following God's plan works like that, I guess.

As Truman and I started our lives together I had dreams of a large family. Those dreams grew when Penny entered our lives. The beginning of motherhood was SO hard (and still is) but I felt whole as a mother. Giving life to one of God's children is a high calling and I was honored to be chosen to mother Penny. I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to experience it all over again. I felt ready to continue growing our family, but God was telling me to be patient. I'm not good at the patience thing. Being young, married, with an intentional first baby is a rare thing in our culture. So the thought of a second baby so soon resulted in a long of strange responses. I wanted to check my motives. Was this a competition thing? Was I feeling like I needed to keep up? Was I unsatisfied with just one baby? (A ridiculous question, if you ask me.) Was I focusing too much on the future and not staying in the present? 

After a lot of prayer with Truman, I realized that this desire for another baby wasn't about a status or number, but about continuing to do what God has called me to do: mother. The question was when was the timing right? Truman felt that it was best to wait until a suspected promotion with his job (he's rocking that, by the way). He got a promotion on May 29th. On May 30th I had two positive pregnancy tests. How's that for timing!? God sure does have a sense of humor. 

As always, there are a lot of uncertainties ahead of us. I'm a few weeks away from being through my first trimester so I'm currently learning how to let go of my need for control (because I have none) and trust that God's plan is perfect. It's hard not to fear the "m" word but I'm daily having to give my fears to Him. I SO aware that two little ones really close in age is going to keep my hands full, but I embrace that! Lord willing, for the next 20+ years I will have a house full of kiddos making messes, playing loudly, spilling milk, and leaving grass-stained clothes everywhere. Taking care of my family is what I'm good at. It may not be good compared to someone else's standards and I only succeed by the grace of God, but if He chooses to bless us with multiple children then I say bring it on!

We are so excited for baby #2 and, once again, I'm left breathless at the creation of human life.

Cheers to a messy, chaotic, challenging, and FULL life!

(And if you're the praying kind, prayers that our little one makes it through the next few weeks would be appreciated. Thank you!)

J.

Summer Music Essentials

 Now that summer is finally in full swing, I made a playlist :)

If you know me well, you know that I was probably born in the wrong era. Everything about the 50's, 60's and 70's inspires me (okay, except disco). I've been told that I have an old soul--I think that's accurate. The warm weather inspires me to bring out some of the greatest and put it in a playlist. It's the perfect list to join you during this warm, sunshine-y week!

Have a listen {here}

Happy Summer!

Jord

Oh, and P.S. Led Zeppelin was definitely supposed to be on that list, but Spotify is lame and doesn't have any of their stuff, meh. 

Penny Emerson : 8 Months

My sweet Penny girl seems so old. And I know more experienced moms laugh and think "just wait." But this month I have really seen her personality come alive. I can sense what she is going to be like when she's older. I am just purely filled with joy. I'm blessed beyond words to be living out my calling as a mother and spending my days with this little one.

 Little P at 1 month!

She is officially on the move! It only took her a week to learn how to crawl and now that she knows how the girl won't. sit. still. I can't get quite as much done now that I have to keep an eye on her, but I just LOVE leaving the room for a second only to come back and find her propped up against her toy bin rummaging through toys. The amount of time I watch from a distance with a full heart would probably add up to a full day's worth of cleaning. Spying is much more fun :)

She plays shy. Make no mistake. This girl is not shy. But if she wants your attention she'll tilt her head. This has resulted in a few accidents with wooden booster chairs...oops.

Girlfriend is L.O.U.D. Holy cow. She screams, shrieks, yells, sings, the works. And she must get her pipes from grandma and aunt Kal because she can go forrrrevvveerrrr. She loves to hear herself. Especially in places where it echos...like every public place. Yep, we're THOSE people. Sorry. She's never mad or fussing so I can't really tell her to stop :) However, I can totally tell when she's chewing me out for something. It's hilarious now, but that will end during the toddler years :)

Since we are still a one car family, the days when I have the car are filled with running errands. She is such a trooper and LOVES to ride in the cart. She's always making friends with strangers and loves to kick her feet against the cart. If you stood at the opposite side of Hobby Lobby from us, I'm certain you could hear her. Again, sorry :)

She also loves the water. We haven't been able to swim much outside since June is being a stubborn Ox but I'm looking forward to spending many days at the pool!

She stood in two states at once for the first time while we were exploring the Bob Kerrey Pedestrian bridge. 

She figured out how to peek above her crib when she woke up from her nap so many times I would walk past her room and see this tiny little head waiting for me to come and get her. Love it.

She loves being tossed in the air by daddy. She gets to giggling so hard. He'll come home from work, pick her up, and toss her in the air a couple times. It's a fun little ritual :)

We also visited the Holy Family Shrine for the first time. 

We spend a lot of time swinging at the park in our neighborhood. 

Had to finally put the crib down!

She found the door stopper. Lately I've been setting her in front of it while I do some cleaning. That wonderfully can entertain for quite a while!

And my absolute favorite: The Snuffy Face.

She started making this ridiculous face one night when I was changing her clothes. It's her "I'm not pleased" face. I cannot get enough of it.

Penny is very outgoing and strong-willed. She's loud and determined and very curious. When she's happy she is SO happy and when she's mad she'll let you know it. There is no playing quietly, she's a talker. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for the times when we have to start teaching her and disciplining her more seriously. I want to be able to celebrate her fun and wild personality and I pray that God would give me to grace to know when to celebrate and when to mold. I am impatient, easily-discouraged, and quick to respond so this will be a learning process just as much for me as for her. I have struggled with feeling so unqualified to raise a child and most importantly be an example of Jesus to them, but a friend so kindly reminded me that God doesn't give us something because we're qualified. He qualifies us. It is so reassuring to know that I'm not doing this alone. 

Be Still, My Soul

The other night was one of those perfect nights.

The sun seemed to linger a little longer, like it was refusing to set. The weather was the perfect temperature where we could open the windows and let the fresh air in. The wind was bringing in scents of lilac and freshly cut grass. We came home from our vacation to our front tree fully in bloom. The green seems much brighter since the winter just wouldn't leave us alone. And the sound of Truman mowing the lawn was the cherry on top. I don't know why, but listening to someone mowing the lawn is incredibly calming to me. Sounds of summer, I suppose.

I wanted to capture every moment that night. 

I didn't want the perfect evening to end. I wanted that fresh, slightly breezy air to flow in forever. I captured a few photos for memory.

Full, bright green tree.

 Leaves consuming our front window.

 Tiny baby feet discovering a chalkboard.

 Fresh air blowing over the record player.

 Golden sun shining through lace curtains.

 Wind blowing through lace curtains.

 The sound of the lawn mower as I read.

 Gorgeous and intoxicating smell of our backyard lilac bush.

Lately we have been staring down the deep, dark tunnel of the future. We been having to discuss (over and over again...) the big, scary grown up questions of finding a new home, growing our family, budgeting differently, etc. There are times where I am completely trusting God, knowing that His plan is perfect and He will provide. There are also times when I still try to hold MY plans with a tight grip and attempt as much control as I can. And not to mention as Penny gets older and feistier I start to worry about if I'll be a good enough parent. It's not a matter of taking care of her and loving on her, I do that just fine, but I'm talking about being a good example of Jesus' love. Teaching her about his grace and living our lives as a family dependent totally on scripture. Discipline included. It's scary as hell. I don't want to screw it up. I know I will, but I'd like to do as little damage as possible. Only by the grace of God, I know, but I just feel so under-prepared sometimes. I'll-equipped, not good enough, not spiritually mature enough. I want that baby girl to love Jesus more than anything. And I want her to see that I love Jesus more than anything (and sometimes I have to honestly, humbly ask myself if that's true).

All of these heavy thoughts can fill my mind and almost suffocate me so I'm trying to make a very intentional effort to delight in the little things. I'm thankful for big questions like these that are approaching us. I'm SO thankful to be in this season of life. It's hard, it's rewarding. I'm also thankful for pretty shadows, perfume-scented trees, and bright green fluttering leaves. Sometimes those are the things that keep me going...

Signed,
A frightened, but oh-so-thankful Jord.

Balance

I'm lying in bed trying to fight off yet another flu bug. This winter has been the worst. Penny and I just seem to be tossing sicknesses back and forth and it is definitely not something I'm used to. I very rarely get sick so being confined to my bed so often this year has been hard for me. 

I have been a mother for 7 months now. I have spent every day trying to study Penny's cues and find the best routine for our family. I have days where I feel like I'm rocking it as a mom and days where I feel like I will never be able to figure it out. Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with trying to find a healthy balance for everything. Because I have been spending the last 7 months totally focused on Penny and her needs, I have lost the priority of taking care of myself and I think I'm finally starting to feel the effects of it. 

Moms, how do we do it all? How do we manage to fit in prayer time, exercising, and personal hygiene before we tackle the ridiculously long to-do list? How do we find time to engage our own hobbies like painting, crafting, or reading a book? How do we utilize those precious few hours of nap time by cleaning or meal planning while also making time to sit down and eat? And where in the heck do we find time to just sit and play with our babies amidst all of that? 

These questions run through my head every day. And I can search and search online until my fingers are numb but I'm not finding the solutions I need. I know that in order to best care for my family I have to make caring for myself a priority. I find myself skipping lunch so I can check off a few more things on my to-do list or forgoing a shower so I can clean the bedroom and start the laundry. Even worse, my quiet time with God has become something that falls to the bottom of my list. If I get everything else done, then maybe I'll have some time for God before bed. 

I know that realistically I have to accept that I won't be able to do it all. And I know very well that my value is not dependent on how clean my house is or how many home cooked meals are on the table each week, but I could use advice on the basics. Finding balance is much harder than I anticipated and if someone has the secret I want in on it!

Sick Day

Last night was the first time I bawled as I watched my helpless baby suffer in sickness.

Penny's cold has turned into a terrible, terrible cough and left us with a rough couple of days. We put her pack n play next to my side of the bed last night so I could monitor her coughing. I sat quietly in our dark room with only the light of the computer screen while Tru and Pen slept. The room was humid and heavily scented of eucalyptus oil. My phone was softly playing white noise sounds next to me. The whole family, sleeping in one little room. Despite my anxiety of her returning cough, I was so happy in that moment. I was reminded of those first months of Penny's life when she slept right next to mama in her crib. At the time I was sleep deprived and completely miserable with breastfeeding but I miss it all so terribly now. Those moments were so fleeting and I'm thankful that I could re-live them last night. 

I prayed heavily that the Lord would give me energy and endurance to care for her through the night and He did. She woke up a few times and as I scooped her up into my arms and fed her a bottle I felt her immediately relax. She was in her favorite spot, mama's arms. And as helpless as I felt, I knew that was the best thing I could give her. We snuggled into bed and I stroked that wonderful bald head until she drifted back to sleep. It's so true that even though it's awful when they're sick, they are SO cuddly. I will cherish those memories forever. 

I'm thankful to say she's doing better today. 

She's still a little fussier than usual so I'm trying to find things to make her giggle. The mirror never fails.

And she has been cracking up at this Fisher Price animal app I have on my phone. It's annoying as all get out but I'll play it over and over again if I can hear that laugh.

She's currently snuggled up in our bed and I'm listening to her breath as the rain falls.

My heart is full. I am thankful.

...and can I get a hallelujah for the week-long 70 degree weather we have approaching? It's. About. Time. 

J.

Those Days

It's 9:35 AM and I'm still laying in bed in my snot covered pajamas (I wiped Penny's nose with my sleeve because there wasn't a kleenex within reach...whatevs) feeling totally defeated. The girl had a rough night. She was up multiple times screaming her head off due to either her cold or constipation. As I crept back into bed around 5:45 AM praying that this would be the last time I once again found those doubts creeping in. Satan is good, man. He gets me at the most convenient times. "She's not sleeping because you aren't strict enough about her sleeping schedule. She's going to be a terrible sleeper the rest of her life and it's your fault. You should have done what so and so did, their kids are perfect sleepers. You're a terrible mother for laying in bed and letting her scream for ten minutes hoping she'll fall back asleep." Those thoughts flooded my mind during the next three times I was up with her. 

The poor girl only has me to depend on, to show her love, to have sympathy. And instead of compassion I was angry that she wasn't doing what she was supposed to do. She's supposed to go to bed at 9 PM and wake up maybe once around 5 AM. That's what the books tell us, right? That if we do this and this and this we will have a child who begs to go to sleep at night. Well, books are my enemy sometimes, I'm discovering. 

So as I lay here in the dark watching the snow (seriously!) fall through the crack of the curtain, I'm reminded that even though I fail and even though I struggle with my own selfishness, I have a father who doesn't. Penny has a father who doesn't. God's never too tired to take care of us. He doesn't storm into the kitchen at 3 AM and angrily make a bottle. He lovingly accepts us no matter what state we are in and that blows my mind. Understanding that his love is unconditional and never-changing is so much easier when I see myself fail to show Penny that same love. Oh how thankful I am that I don't have to rely on my own self to show her (and my family in general) that love. 

It's just one of those days. And that's okay. I will take a cat nap, eventually brush my teeth (sorry) and muster up whatever strength I have to show that baby girl that I love her more than a full night of sleep. And I will only succeed by the grace of God.

Signed, a defeated by madly-in-love mother.